Martial Arts are Stupid
This article is going to offend some people, and I’d be disappointed if it didn’t. It’s not that I believe martial arts are inherently stupid in and of themselves, as they offer many positive benefits. My problem is that many of the people who are training, promoting, and selling martial arts are making them stupid. In this highly-opinionated, semi-satirical commentary on the state of martial arts, I’ll detail some of the reasons why they tend to make normal people cringe with second-hand embarrassment more often than not.
Personalities
Most martial arts can be broken down into one of two major categories; combat sports (e.g. MMA, Jiu-Jitsu, kickboxing, boxing), and traditional martial arts, or TMAs (e.g. Wing Chun, Kung Fu, Aikido, Ninjutsu). Some arts have elements of both combat sports and TMAs (e.g. Karate, Taekwondo, Jeet Kune Do), but the training still tends to favor one category over the other depending on the school or teacher. What is interesting is that each category always seems to attract a certain type of person, making it just too impossible to ignore those comical “martial artist” stereotypes.
If you go to a combat sports gym, prepare to be surrounded by douchebags and meatheads. It’s true. With the popularity of the UFC and more MMA fighters reaching celebrity status than ever before, these gyms are absolute magnets for them. As case-studies for bad tattoos who continually find themselves in bar fights, they train almost exclusively for the competitive aspects and loathe anything traditional about the martial arts. They don’t have “teachers” or “instructors,” but like most sports, have “coaches.” Their place of training is not a “school” or dojo, but a “gym.” If they do wear a uniform, it is emblazoned with more patches than a NASCAR driver’s jumpsuit. They lack control in class and only have speeds of zero or one hundred, constantly injuring their training partners when not undergoing their own joint rehabs. Most of them do not know the difference between “there,” “their,” and “they’re” and aspire to make a career out of receiving brain damage and becoming known by a cringey, self-chosen fighter nickname.
If you go to a TMA school, welcome to weirdo central. At the complete opposite end of the spectrum from combat sports, you have the physically ungifted, spiritual-philosopher types. Resistant to change and innovation, these gaijin believe that superior technique proved effective by generations of meditating masters will overcome any physical disadvantage in a fight. They are afraid unable to spar because their techniques are too deadly, yet supremely confident they possess the precise timing to execute these untested skills on someone twice their size and five times their athletic ability on the street. They preach about holistic health practices all while sporting the physique of an amateur sumo wrestler. Their inflated ranking system encompasses an entire rainbow of belts, yet still poorly represents their actual skill level. Ultimately, their art is superior because it’s old and their grandmaster is Asian.
Feet
…are gross, and are virtually never covered up in modern martial arts training. Whether it’s just for tradition or to simulate competition, this offensive practice of working out barefoot makes us hygienic people cringe.
If you’re thinking about training in a grappling art, I hope you’re not adverse to having prolonged bare foot contact all over your facial orifices. There’s no shortage of grappling techniques which require placing the foot on or around the face, often with pressure applied. If you’re not into having a sweaty, calloused foot pressed to your lips, then maybe you prefer to be grabbing and manipulating your partner’s hairy feet? Toenail fungi, toe jam, corns, warts, and athlete’s foot are all in a good day’s Jiu-Jitsu class, I always say.
If you’re dealing with a foot in your face in the striking arts, it is at least mercifully brief and offset by the pain of the kick. Although, toenails do pose a significant safety issue and can result in life-changing injuries. Just ask Mike Winklejohn and Cat Zingano.
Sales Pitches
I’ve been around martial arts for most of my life, so I’ve heard it all as to how training will get you in shape, help you make new friends, and perhaps most importantly, give you the skills needed to defend yourself. Yes, martial arts can do those things for you, but those claims are not always grounded in reality, and people are able to recognize that.
After retiring from MMA undefeated (1-0), I lost interest in competition (read: I had responsible adult-stuff to focus on) and my priorities shifted to practical self-defense. What I’ve noticed is that there are very, very few martial arts schools or gyms that are honest enough to market their training for what it actually is. Will most martial arts classes help you get in shape? Yes. Will most martial arts classes help you make new friends? Sure. Will most martial arts classes teach you techniques to realistically defend yourself on a hard surface in street clothes while making you fully aware of your legal responsibilities and the ramifications of using your training and/or deadly force? Negative.
I’m old enough to remember the Tae Bo® infomercial in which one of the women said she felt like she could use it to defend herself. Even with my idealistic view of martial arts at my young age, my eyes rolled hard. Most of us know that a small woman isn’t going to KO a large man by only doing a shadowboxing workout, and it insults our intelligence to suggest otherwise. In fact, in almost all cases, a small woman will not beat a larger man without a weapon. Unfortunately, many modern martial arts schools and gyms are selling their stuff just as shamelessly as Billy Blanks. This is the sort of thing that turns normal, rational people off to martial arts —including myself.
Obviously, Tae Bo® isn’t really a martial art, but similar too-good-to-be-true training benefits are embellished just the same by actual martial arts schools and gyms. Martial salesmen will look you in the eye and claim that you’ll be able to beat people twice your size, take on multiple attackers, easily perform knife disarms, and dodge bullets like Neo in the Matrix. People who have at least a moderate grasp on reality can quickly deduce that they’re not going to be kicking people in the head in a crowded bar or shooting for takedowns when faced with more than one attacker, especially if weapons are involved. Rather, most levelheaded individuals will simply run or use the gun they purchased with the money saved on that expensive MMA gym membership.
Uniforms (or lack of)
Finally, if barefoot weirdos or meatheads selling kickboxing to five-foot females for self-defense hasn’t made you cringe, then martial arts training attire just might.
Who doesn’t want to go work out dressed in a bastardized turn-of-the-century kimono? Kids probably think it’s fun and cool because they kind of look like a Jedi. Normal adults, not so much. Although, if you do Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, you get to mix-and-match lots of neat colors and patches. Who doesn’t like patches?
If kimonos aren’t your thing, perhaps try MMA. You’ll have the option to train shirtless with a bunch of other sweaty, shirtless guys. Ringworm, Staph, or MRSA, anyone? Normal people don’t find this weird or gross at all. Nope, not one bit.
There you have it. Multiple pieces of irrefutable evidence that martial arts are stupid. If you’re not convinced, stop in for a private training session and I’ll tell you how I really feel.
